[the proposal] .. [photos] .. [ride report]Double Secret Mystery Ride
START POINT: Bridgeport Brewery
DESTINATION: Eastside dead-end service road between Broadway and Steel Bridges
RIDERS: oops, forgot to count, I'd guess 30-40
PLANNED BY: West Side Cougars
PHOTOS BY: Ken
SPECIAL THANKS TO: Bike sculpture folks; Cougars for planting a cooler
of ice-cold treats at the destination prior to the ride; Rev Phil taking one for the team and keeping the Hot Pepper pre-occupied while the rest of the MMRiders made a hasty escape
THE RIDE REPORT
By Rev Phil
A fantastic MidnightMysteryRide last Friday night took us to the grail silo bt the Steel Bridge.
A bike sculpture made of the Murderbuny (deadbuny's chopper) my fireBike standing straight up on its back wheel and wooden plank, and Rhino's Mini was constructed. Only 2 wheels were touching the ground. A competition of empty beer can stacking on top of the pile grew and grew. It even encouraged a witness of the sculpture to begin work on a beer can frame.
Speaking of bearing witness, a new religion was founded on that very spot. Call me a Pabstbaterian. I was pabstized in the river that made me who i am. Some would try and defile our holy pile by adding some other delicious fluid. These Hamms Heethens are not to be trusted. Johny B the Pabstest was on hand with BrotherBuny to sing the praises and serenade "you're a Beer Baby" to young Cody.
Not to be outdone Timo and Kiran sang a little Spanish ditty, "ZooZooBomba" expect it on shelves any day.
All this fun must come with some cost, alas, and For once it was not my liver! For not long after the last mystery of who was responsible for all the cool clues was revealed, 3 cop cars came rolling up the road. I forgot that we had passed a chain fence to get to the party spot (thus no traffic). I had hopped that they were just passing though. Wishful thinking is not always helpful. As I approached our statue to get my bike the cop was out and came up to me in his typically authoritarian stance.
"So, you guys are leaving... RIGHT?"
A fair question to be sure. Bikers can be cat-like in their defiance of herding. This occurred to me as I realized it would be easier for the cops to leave (safer too probably)
"I don't know, are you guys leaving?"
At the time I thought it a reasonable question. Especially if they were just passing though or were indifferent to the situation. Logic often fails us when we need it the most, and in my defense, it was a chaotic scene. Many bikers had already fled, ditching their beer. I looked around and saw what you might expect to see when cops arrive upon 50 drinking bikers: 100s of beer cans.
So my first thought was, well we can't flee. "Leave no trace" is one of our mainstays.
The cop immediately assumed I was giving him lip for the sheer pleasure. Which under the circumstances would be reasonable I think. I doubt he was expecting cooperation. Maybe he has dealt with unruly bikers before. I could fill that role easily if called upon. But lately I have been working overtime on Team Diplomacy. I would hate to think how many tickets and arrests I would have if I wasn't so darn charming.
"No you're leaving right now!"
"ok let me grab my..."
"Are you coping an attitude?"
A brief pause. I have seen this played out and I still dont know what the best response is. I have tried kowtowing shy of licking boots and that doesn't help that much (definitely considering how much pride is swallowed in the process). I played it straight.
"No sir, I just would like to collect my things so that I can leave."
"You had better not be copping an attitude."
I start to move, fast. Alas I move too fast and pick up my bike before my bag. "No sir, I just need to grab my...
"NO! you need to go. NOW."
"...bag and bike." I spy my notes I was taking earlier laying on the ground. I envisioned the holy texts of The Pabtbaterians being lost.
"And my notes..."
About then the other lead police officer had distanced himself from us and I am told was surveying the situation shaking his head. I am sure he considered this to be a gross waste of his time. "Who's gonna pick up all these cans?"
In a flash my Team Diplomacy takes over. "We can take care of that!" I said excitedly, entertaining the notion that my interaction with the pulsating boner in front of me was over.
"That's it!" He yelled, grabbing my wrist and elbow twisting around. "Help me, we are putting this guy away on a C-15" (or some such code)
Visions of the simpsons flash into my mind: Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317: Pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 314? No, no, 314 is a dog, uh, in, no, is that a 315? You're in trouble, pal.
How I managed to maintain my composure in face of this absurdity is beyond me. I guess it was having my arm pinned and twisted helped. I repeatedly said "I am not resisting, you are hurting me." After the 5th or 6th time it seemed to get though. I spent a short amount of time cuffed up against the squad car while the police rehearsed their story. I guess they didn't quite match cause soon after I was told I was going to Detox.
"Your not safe to bike in your condition."
I can hardly tell you how many scathing responses I had to choke on at that moment. I mean, *I* am not safe?!?
"Oh... well those are my friends right there. They would help make sure I get home safe."
"I can smell beer on you."
"I feel fine. I could take a test or something if you would let me."
"How much have you had to drink tonight?"
"I had 3 beers." (this helps I think... pick a low number and stick with it. Forget that you never drink all of a beer and often share with someone else.)
I arranged to have my bike taken with me in the trunk. He tried to convince me that it would be in my best interest to have my friends roll with it. I figured if I could have my bike upon my release AND make his life more difficult at the same time, all the better. According to the cop they could release me just as soon as they determine if I was sober or not. So I figured I would be back at the post party around 4. Maybe earlier even. Man I was looking forward to a grand entrance being reunited with my people. "You must know they can't keep a Pabstbaterian down!"
Want to hear more ways to avoid fines and jail time? interested in hearing about Hooper Detox? There is more exciting story to come! Stay tuned.